


Whole Universes

by koi_ling



Series: Nothing Is Gonna Take You from My Side [3]
Category: EXO (Band), Winner (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst, Best Friends, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Teen Romance, doubts and tribulations here and there, reminder: south korean society is homophobic, wondered if i should tag underage here but it wasn't really descriptive so..
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 15:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7058191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koi_ling/pseuds/koi_ling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seungyoon is in tenth grade and he's a bomb ready to set off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whole Universes

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to R. for her insight about Jongin <3

Seungyoon thinks there is something completely wrong with him.

It must be his age – everyone knows teenagers are like bombs ready to set off at the smallest touch – or maybe he’s just fed up with all the lies he has to tell every day. Not only it feels like he is tricking the people close to him, but it also hurt him the most for keeping it hidden like it’s some sort of dirty secret, even though it’s just part of him and his life since he can remember.

They say no one is born gay, but Seungyoon can’t think of a moment when he wasn’t this way. Sure, he didn’t realize it all at once, he needed some enticements to see the truth behind all his doubts and tribulations, but he’s sure it’s been part of him since his first breath.

And he can’t keep lying, not anymore. Even if he can easily see how dangerous sincerity is.

He’s aware of how odd it is for him to feel such a burning urgency to be honest with everyone when he knows it’ll hurt them – that’s not _who_ he is, a person who makes other people uncomfortable – so it clearly must be the age or he must have gone crazy. Either way, he just can’t keep it quiet any longer.

 

*

 

It’s seventh grade when Seungyoon realizes there is no turning back. He can run away from people, responsibilities, from that exasperating blessing that Mino is, too; but he can’t run away from himself, not for his whole life.

Nonetheless, it’s a difficult time for him. Accepting it completely might be not as shocking as it is for other people, but it’s still something definitely huge. Comparable to the whole mass of the universe in the hands of a tiny insignificant human being.

It’s not like Seungyoon didn’t know – somewhere deep inside his mind, covered by tons of other mundane thoughts, his care and affection for his dearest mother and for his best friend, the big place that music occupies, and his classmates, his schoolwork, the bike he wants to buy since fifth grade – basically, somewhere in the darkest corner of his mind, there has always been that sort of pale glow.

A certainty. A radiating sun that won’t stop burning until he lives: _he is gay_ – Kang Seungyoon likes boys. There is no way he’ll fall in love with any of those girls that his mother would die to have as daughter-in-law one day.

Seungyoon is still a kid, barely twelve, when he finds out. It might be too early, it might be a phase, it might be a mistake for anyone outside his own body and mind, but he _knows_. Just as much as he knows he loves his mother more than anyone else in the world, and that he will be a singer one day, and that Mino will always be his best friend.

It is scary – this imperative, this absolute with no exit. And yet it’s reassuring, just for the simple certainty that he knows where he stands, despite that might be the most difficult thing he’ll have to experience in his life.

It takes him a lot of effort to not talk about it, to keep it for himself and look at his friends the same way he did before. It’s almost unbearable to be with Mino for the first few months, and Seungyoon is well aware of how much that’s driving Mino crazy, but he just needs the time alone.

He needs to breathe and think and learn how to live with that truth well wound around his heart, like the softest and strongest of embraces. He needs it with all his small self, because learning to accept and love himself is the only way that will make him survive.

And Seungyoon is not the type that falls without getting up the second later. He’s a silent fighter who will keep going on no matter what.

 

 

It’s tenth grade when Seungyoon meets Jongin.

They’re both at their first year of high school and they’re both part of one of those self-sufficient student clubs crowding the school after classes. Instead of chemistry or baseball, their group is putting up a musical, and Seungyoon suspects it’s all because of that _High Efron Something_ the girls love so much.

Seungyoon doesn’t really want to put himself out on the stage. He has joined them to improve his music skill because he can help composing the songs for the musical or play the guitar if needed, that’s it.

And this is how he meets him.

Kim Jongin somehow catches his eye since their first meeting, with a white-toothed smile and a beautiful bronze skin that reminds him of Mino. That’s where the physical resemblance ends, though, because Jongin is way leaner than him, and there is a certain grace in the way he moves that isn’t there in Mino’s clumsy paddling.

Unlike his best friend, he seems actually pretty introvert and he stays silent for the whole first meeting, listening to what the other guys have to say while his eyes wander from face to face. When his gaze locks on Seungyoon, the latter give him his signature smile and Jongin abruptly looks away, dipping his head between his hands.

Seungyoon just finds him endearing, but his opinion does a one-eighty when he sees him dancing. Jongin himself _changes_ in a way that is entirely unexpected: his expression focuses and his whole body realigns, as if each one of his muscles is coursed by a wave of electricity and astounding strength. And then there is fire in his every move, unleashed but somehow still caged within the perfect frame of his dancing.

Jongin is another person when he performs, or maybe that person has always been there, just waiting to be released. Seungyoon wonders if he’s like him, when he plays the guitar and attempts to sing his favourite songs, or if he’s still the same old Seungyoon that everyone in his neighbourhood knows.

While watching Jongin, Seungyoon feels something totally new, a shiver down his spine and a flutter inside his chest that has never been there for anyone. There is something unconditionally beautiful in the way Jongin dances, a sort of sincerity and authenticity that goes straight to his heart.

He doesn’t think that’s what people call love, probably it’s just that overflowing emotion that usually fills someone’s heart when they see art; yet it’s enough to drive his eyes on him even when he’s not dancing, maybe to glimpse another sliver of that beauty.

Seungyoon isn’t sure Jongin has noticed him because he doesn’t say anything about it, even if he is certain he couldn’t be more candid. This worries Seungyoon a little, but he can’t help to follow him with his eyes, to catch the tiny smiles on Jongin’s face when someone says something funny and the flush on his cheeks after he practices.

Even more – and this is quite embarrassing to admit, especially because Mino would be proud about it – Seungyoon just can’t help but trying to be paired up with Jongin in every possible activity, from painting the scenography to working on the music and choreography altogether, and yet things couldn’t be more awkward. Jongin isn’t warming up to him, despite all his efforts.

Seungyoon wonders if he should tone down his act before someone starts to make fun of him, bringing unwanted attention on him, but every worry fades away the Saturday evening Jongin pulls him behind the velvety curtains of the school auditorium they’re using for rehearsals.

That day they’ve been practicing until late. Seungyoon has been busy perfecting the closing piece for the show and it takes him a while to realize that everyone but Jongin is already gone home. He tries to not be nervous and focuses back, strumming his guitar while humming the lyrics he’s trying to add to the melody.

He’s certainly not the one starting something today: it’s Jongin grabbing his hand and pulling him to the poorly lit backstage without uttering a word. When they stop, Jongin stares at their intertwined hands as he brushes his thumb on his skin in small circles. His brow is furrowed in jittery uncertainty.

“Jongin, do you– do you wanna talk?”, Seungyoon hesitates when the other boy raises his head and looks at him. Seungyoon has never been this close to any kind of guy staring at him with such intense eyes, and specifically he has never been this close to _Jongin_. His insides knot tightly and it’s really hard to speak with such a dry throat: “Do you want to tell me wha–”

He’s interrupted by Jongin leaning closer, enough to take his breath away. Seungyoon gasps instinctively but doesn’t budge, and somehow they end up kissing like that, hands still linked and bodies awkwardly stiff against each other.

Seungyoon’s first kiss is merely more than a hazed peck, followed by a hushed breakout when they notice the school keeper is checking if there is any student still inside, but they have enough time to improve on that department.

Once their mutual attraction is disclosed it’s pretty easy to open up – Seungyoon finds out that Jongin has two older sisters that have always been there for him and that he has studied ballet for several years, so this is why he’s such a gentle soul but also a great dancer; but Seungyoon also finds out how much Jongin likes kisses on his neck, and how the skin of his cheeks will turn a delightful shade of red when he’s breathless.

It’s all so new and astounding, in the best of ways. They’re guided by the same need of _discovery_ – their hands are curious, clinging at each other, travelling over their bodies and hooking at every curve, in the crease of their white shirts and the hem of their blue trousers; so are their mouths, tasting every reachable inch, every quivering lip and flushed cheek.

Seungyoon is pretty sure there is nothing romantic in jerking each other off in the bathroom on the second floor, but that’s not relevant when he can’t think of anything else but Jongin’s hands around his base, and their tips sliding together, and the broken hum Jongin muffles against his shoulder.

It’s infinite, a whole new universe of magnified sensations; and yet it ends rather quickly, in the finite space of a forgotten stall.

Despite the fire burning in their bodies, clumsily guiding them toward that kind of pleasure, and the way Jongin goes limp against Seungyoon after that, which always warms Seungyoon inside, there is no room for love.

It’s too hard to talk about their feelings when they’re still at the beginning of high school. Everyone knows what kind of environment is that and that’s enough to keep their mouth shut when they should speak instead. They are like little mice sneaking around in a whole sea of moles, and even if they can be together, that’s barely enough.

They live on the edge of fearing someone will find out and so what could be a love story turns into nothing. Seungyoon’s first boyfriend is not really a boyfriend, even if they share the intimacy two lovers have. They never go on an official date, although Seungyoon knows Jongin would be exhilarated to have him see the _Swan Lake_ at the city theatre, or Seungyoon would love to wrap his hand around Jongin’s and take him to the pub where indie rock bands play, like one day Seungyoon’s band will.

And Seungyoon understands when Jongin asks him to stop seeing each other. There is no need for words, once more, because he already knows.

It’s better to live with happy memories, before one of them makes a mistake, before someone finds out, before it’s too late and they’re in too deep to cut every tie. It’s better to treasure what they shared together instead of resenting it.

 

*

 

“Lately you couldn’t hide that silly smug of yours so I assumed you were happy for some reason, but you look like crap today… is there anything I should know?”

Seungyoon looks at Mino. They’re in a playground near their houses and they’re both sitting at the swing set – the one with normal seats, because they’ve grown out of the baby ones ages ago – and Mino is staring at him like he does when he suspects something.

“Take a guess, I promise I won’t laugh at you”.

“I think you have a girlfriend”, Mino starts and Seungyoon feels his heart crumbling inside his chest, “which is totally lame because we’re bros and you should have told me first, like I did when I asked Seungwan out… I knew you had no experience but I still asked you to help me. Little I knew you would stab me in the back so badly”, he mimics the suffering of a stabbing wound, supposedly, in the most tragic and dorkiest of ways.

Seungyoon lets out a chuckle. There is no way he can resist Song Mino when he’s making a face.

Mino grins at him. “So, what happened to her? Did you two fight?”

And that’s when his odd side resurfaces, stronger than ever. It shakes his whole being, making Seungyoon gasp for air before the dizziness takes a hold of him. He has been trying to fight this for the whole year, in every possible way – being with Jongin has opened his eyes much more, confirming there is no turning back from who he is, no way to erase his feelings and urges, and that’s been enough for him to almost break down.

Seungyoon wants to say it at loud. He wants to live it entirely, without fear and compromises.

“We broke up”.

But he is also afraid that nothing will be the same if he’s honest.

Mino looks truly saddened by the news and raises a hand to grip on his shoulder, patting his back few times to show his support. “You know, by no means I am the sappy type”, Seungyoon snorts at that because Mino likes to think he is some sort of strong manly hero when he’s not, “but let me be honest about this. You’re a cool guy and a great friend, I think she must be blind to dump you like this… if she dumped you, did she?”

Seungyoon nods, Mino’s grip around his shoulder tightens.

“I know for sure you did nothing wrong. It’s you, Seungyoon, I know you”. A tiny smile breaks on his face, like the smallest reassuring gesture Mino could do. Seungyoon feels out of breath.

“You don’t”, Seungyoon whispers mostly to himself, but the shift in Mino’s eyes tells him he heard him. Seungyoon looks away, lost in the vertigo of the moment, on the edge of a black vastness that is his truth. It’s easy to jump, but there is no way to climb back to the same spot he was before. He’s not ready to share the weight of that universe with him, all of sudden. _He’s not–_

“What do you mean?”, he jokes, incredulity lacing his voice.

Seungyoon clamps the swing chains with all his might, the metal digging in his palms. _Is he really–_

“He dumped me, that’s true. He couldn’t stand our situation any longer and I don’t blame him. It’s not his fault, I understand that quite well”, he thinks of Jongin and his heart aches again, even just for the regret of what it could have been. “It’s not like we would be together forever, we all have experiences like these… I will be over him soon enough”, he adds to comfort himself, like he has done many times already.

Seungyoon can’t look at Mino, not now. It takes all his courage to speak, especially when he’s so nervous he might throw up right on the sand of this playground.

“But there is no way I can move on from who I am”, he falters, the chains within his fists are hurting him but not as much as his nails, leaving raw marks on his skin. “I am – _gay_ – I am gay, Mino”.

And Mino’s hand leaves his shoulder.

 

 

Seungyoon knows Mino’s family is religious, way more than his mother and he could ever be. He had lunch to the Songs’ house enough to know by heart the prayer he has to recite before every meal, and there is not a day he is not reminded of how he should be grateful for God’s doing.

He knows how that lifestyle doesn’t exactly fit with his – how, despite professing love, many men of faith turn against people like him for all those reasons Seungyoon believes stupid and groundless. He could talk about it for hours, he’s old enough to understand how these things work, but that’s not the point tonight.

The point is that Mino is his best friend. Yes, he’s Christian and very proud about it, but that’s not only what he is – Seungyoon is religious too, in his own way, and that has always helped him through a lot of things, but he’s not just that. And faith shouldn’t divide people, even more beloved ones.

Mino is – first and foremost, in his entirety – the person Seungyoon trusts the most after his mother. His best friend. His bro. The person that will always make him laugh with his silly antics and that will always make time for him. The person Seungyoon will always want to talk to first, and that will always understand.

So it’s hard to accept that Mino walked away from him, probably because he couldn’t stand to see him. Seungyoon wants to believe it’s not because their society – partially supported by that religion Mino and Seungyoon share – sees people like him as wicked and perverts, but he can’t stop thinking those ideas has seeped in Mino’s mind.

Despite that, Seungyoon is still sitting on the swing, his hands now loose around the chains as he drags his feet on the ground. Mulling over and over on the confused look on Mino’s face as he left him.

It’s just that it hurts more than he ever imagined. He doesn’t know what he expected – maybe Mino accepting him completely, in the span of a second – but that’s not the scene he pictured in his mind. Somehow deep inside he knows Mino needs time, maybe a day, a week, even months, just like Seungyoon needed that time to understand himself, but another side of him just needs the comfort and acceptance one expects from their best friends.

It’s just that Mino has never acted this way. Leaving him behind without a word, running away from him like he’s scared of Seungyoon. There hasn’t been any occurrence like that, on the contrary it’s always been Mino chasing after him every time Seungyoon needed some time alone, like he couldn’t bear to be apart.

Seungyoon knows it’s irrational to feel so helplessly hurt, but being aware of that won’t change what he feels. He is worried Mino won’t look at him like he did before, that his eyes will hide the word of “monster” behind them, that the common beliefs won’t let Mino see that Seungyoon is still the same person.

With his eyes fixed on the ground and his mind lost in a mess of desperate thoughts, time elapses. It’s been hours since Mino ran away and evening has come, chill and dark, but Seungyoon is still there. He should go home instead of waiting for nothing, but all his body has gone limp, boneless, unable to keep it together. He’s sure he would fall apart if he tried walking.

He feels tears welling in his eyes and hates himself for that. When he was just a skinny kid, way before, he has promised himself that he would not cry – men didn’t do that and now he was the man of their family, he couldn’t let tears flow down – but it hurts too much and Seungyoon can’t bring himself to stop.

“Hey”, someone interrupts him right when the first tear wets his chin.

Seungyoon bets he’s starting having hallucinations but checks anyway and finds Mino standing in front of him. He was so focused he didn’t hear him coming. He rushes to wipe off the tears from his eyes before looking at him for real.

Their silence is full of awkwardness. Seungyoon tries to steady himself, gripping the swing chains to straighten up, while Mino shuffles on his feet, scratching his head before taking a big gulp of air.

“You – you said… that yo– I was surprised, you know – you just drop a bom– you are fucking craz– _bro, you saw me naked_!”

Seungyoon can’t believe that’s the first thing he would say and almost chokes in his own laugh. “It’s not like just because I’m gay then I must like every walking man on earth. I still have good tastes, you know”.

“I see”, Mino seems almost offended, he pouts and all, but then he concedes. “I guess that’s good, then, even if I’m very attractive”.

Seungyoon cracks a smile, although he feels closer to breaking into a dance for how happy he is. Mino came back, just for him.

“You… you took me by surprise – I didn’t even think you were still here, you know, we already had dinner at home but – but imagine, I couldn’t eat! I, Song Mino, I felt so restless that the food was tasteless, almost nauseating. I couldn’t stop thinking – of, of how I left you here and –”

“It’s ok, I know. You needed time”. Seungyoon couldn’t ask for more, right now.

Mino winces at that, wiggles his arms before asking. “So that’s kinda definitive, right?”

“Well… yes”. Mino freezes and Seungyoon guesses he really needs time to grasp this revelation in its entireness. “But that won’t change anything, I’m still the same Kang Seungyoon you’ve known all your life”.

“That _will_ change everything, Yoon. It means all those talks about girls we had were like hella painful to you, all the boobs and legs and stuff, I should have been – we should have talked about, I don’t know, basketball players? Or baseball ones? That’s what you like?”

Seungyoon can’t help the laugh because seriously, Mino is the best friend he could ever get in this lifetime. Or any. “Not exactly… I’ve been more into dancers, lately”, he sighs at loud, but then grins again, “don’t tell me you want to be my personal fag hag”.

“Is that a kind of code? Because I was thinking maybe we should use them, like girl names and weird words so people won’t suspect we’re actually talking about – boys”, he winces again, shrugging his shoulders.

Seungyoon knows he’s trying to make up for the fact he has ran away few hours ago. Mino is like this, he will always try to make you feel at ease, even by making fun of himself in the process. He will fill the awkward silence with his words, until it’ll be impossible to resist him and not reply back.

Seungyoon lets him talk as much as he wants, nodding here and there as he smiles at him. And that’s when Mino gets suddenly serious. “You shouldn’t be afraidof being honest with me… I know it’s hard to talk about these things, but you won’t get rid of me so easily”.

“With you by my side, I’m sure it’ll be easier. I mean, yeah, you’re a pain in the ass, but at least I’m not alone”, he tries to save himself in the corner, but Seungyoon knows Mino will read between the lines.

“You really love me a lot, Kang Seungyoon”, he chimes, grinning so broadly that Seungyoon wonders if his cheeks will hurt later.

Seungyoon doesn’t really know how he gets up to reach him and pull him in a hug, but that’s the best decision he could make. Mino is warm against him, his frame big and stout against him, and Seungyoon feels like he’s finally a little at peace.

No matter how long it takes, they will be ok.


End file.
